Burgers are great. Burgers are also terrible. What I mean by that is that the concept of a burger is superb, but the execution is almost always wrong. Or worse, the "correct" execution is just boring. At face value, it seems simple to make a good burger - a big, grilled slab of ground meat on a bun, with onions, tomatoes, ketchup and mustard. What can go wrong? So much.
Most burgers end up overcooked to the point of dessication. Condiments can be difficult to balance properly - I've had plenty of burgers that just tasted like ketchup, or worse, mayo. The bun is often neglected, and any old cheap by-the-gross "hamburger-style" bun is deemed sufficient. And I can't count how many times I've been served a burger without dressings at all, but only condiments - yes, I
do actually want a salad on my burger, thank you! But even when properly executed, there are mistakes to make. The biggest mistake (in our humble opinion) is the fixation on having a 100% beef patty. Put some diced onion in there! Or some tomato paste! Or some
spinach! Season the meat, for goodness sake! Mix beef and turkey! Go nuts! Beef, by itself, is really about the most boring flavor in the world. My mother says it tastes brown. I disagree - it's more like a gray.
The worst offenders against burgerkind are fast-food vendors, usually, even though this is supposedly the product that they make all their money of off. You might suppose that a global corporation with billions of dollars and entire teams of test chefs and engineers behind them would be able to discover the concept of "seasoning meat", but I've yet to encounter a major fast-food chain that could pull it off properly. Fast-food burgers are usually greasy, thin, dry, underseasoned, and underdressed - or so we supposed.
Mariam and I rarely eat fast-food anything. On the one hand, this is because we actually
can cook, and enjoy our own cooking - nevermind fast food, we rarely eat out. But fast food holds a special place of disdain for us. If we're going to go out somewhere and pay somebody else to cook food for us, we might as well go somewhere good and sit down. Fast food? I know my way around a kitchen - don't
tell me you can properly cook meat in twenty seconds! Can't be done! But here's the thing - this disdain, this indifference even to the offerings of fast food means that we don't eat it - ever. So realistically, do we actually know what we're missing?
Are fast-food burgers as bad as we suppose? We think we've got burgers figured out, with our own methods and ingredients, but
do we? To what, really, are we to compare?
This prompted us some time ago to actually do the test, and eat-compare some fast-food burgers. We went around to six major fast-food chains, as well as to two "high-brow" fast-food chains to pick up what we considered to be flagship burgers. That's eight different restaurants, and eight burgers to compare, chosen for their relative superficial similarity, and how much we thought they represented the brands of their respective chains.